With the two-leg World Cup play-offs against France coming up, here’s a quick bluffer’s guide to ordering wine and other drinks in a French restaurant, bar or café.
Whatever you order, never forget the difference between the words for fish (poisson) and drink (boisson). Our “Boys in Green” did not conquer Europe in Italia ‘90 etc etc by downing copious pints of fish.
For starters…“Waiter!” = Monsieur or Madame
Never ever ever summon a waiter by shouting “Garçon!” across a crowded restaurant. You might have heard this in an episode of ‘Allo ‘Allo, but a real French waiter would find it insulting to be called a boy. And never ever ever snap your fingers.
“I’d like…” = Je voudrais…
To ask for something, use Je voudrais… (I would like), rather than Je veux… (I want). This is the standard polite phrase. Use it at all times, rather than Est’ce que c’est possible… or any other literal translations of Hiberno-English phrases (“Any chance of a…”).
And don’t forget to append S’il vous plait to the end of your request.
“Ta!” = Merci beaucoup!
The gargleMonsieur is never ever called un garçon
If you are in Paris it’s one thing, but Languedoc-Roussillon is, of course, le pays du vin, wine country. In a strong Langeudoc accent, “vin” becomes something more like “ving”.
Other than that, ordering your vin is straightforward enough: start with the Je voudrais bit and ask for un bouteille (a bottle) or “un verre” (a glass).
“I’d like a bottle of red wine” = Je voudrais un bouteille de vin rouge
“Another glass of red wine” = Encore un verre de vin rouge
- Le vin = wine
- La carte des vins = the wine list
- Vin rouge = red wine
- Vin blanc = white wine
- Une pression = a draught beer
- Un café = a coffee
Bear in mind that – apart from Carcassonne Airport – un café is the French equivalent of a strong expresso. Un café au lait is the equivalent of an ordinary coffee in Ireland with milk, or ask for un café noir for an ordinary black coffee.
In bistros and bars, wine is also ordered by le pichet or la carafe. These come in quarter and half litre sizes, and work out far cheaper than ordering by the bottle.
So you’d ask for un quart (pronouned “un kar”) or un demi respectively. If you really want to get into the swing of things, simply ask for un quart de rouge (a quarter litre of red wine, equivalent to a third of a bottle) or un demi de blanc (a half litre of white, two thirds of a bottle).
Another essential phrase after all this is: “Où sont les toilettes?” = where are the loos?
The billThe bill = l’addition
If you’re in a busy small bar at, say, a railway station where they might suspect the Irish could “do a runner”, the waiter might bring you the bill automatically. He will then put a tear in it when you’ve paid.
But in a restaurant they’ll wait until you ask for the bill. Say something like Excusez-moi, l’addition s’il vous plait.
If the place is crowded, ask for l’addition by using a form of international sign language: raise your eyebrows and strike an invisible match on the palm of your hand.
Finally, if you’re part of the Green Army on its current European World Tour, no doubt you will also want to leave a tip or un pourboire - a charming word meaning, literally, “a for-to-drink”.
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